The nurse poked her head into the pastel waiting room at MV Hospital, “Are you with the young lady having a C-section? Yes? Well I just heard a very healthy cry from that delivery room.” I sat stunned and completely overwhelmed, my son Alex had just been born.Alex's Birth
When we first began trying to get pregnant, my husband Dave and I talked about the possibility of adopting should nature fail to take its course. In the beginning, we didn’t believe we would require this parental contingency plan. However, the next four years were an emotional and physical roller coaster of basal temperatures, ovulation predictor kits, blood tests, sperm counts, miscarriages, Clomid and intrauterine insemination.
During our final try with our infertility specialist for a ‘high tech’ baby, Dave and I had a heavy, deep and real talk about parenting. We had all our financial and personal ducks in a row, but no duckling. What was important to us was becoming parents and raising a happy and healthy child. How we formed our family was not the main concern. We decided to adopt.
Our first challenge in the process was to confront many of the common myths of adoption. We began reading and talking to people. Once we became educated we immediately felt wildly protective of our unknown child. I was adamant our baby never feel like some sub-human, unloved, unwanted person simply by virtue of being adopted. I was going to educate the world, or at least all our family and friends. I would blast every adoption myth and fear. I became “Adoption Woman.”
One in four families in the United States has been touched by adoption. Once Dave and I began to tell people of our adoption plans, we found ourselves very happily bombarded with the enormity of the adoption community. People we had both known for years were saying things like,
“Oh, I’m adopted.”
“My cousin is adopted.”
“Our children are both adopted.”
Adoption was suddenly everywhere we turned.
Once we announced to our loved ones that we were adopting, their enthusiasm was quickly followed by fear. I blame this on the media and lack of accurate information floating about. The public has been exposed to too many Lifetime movies and overly dramatized news stories on 20/20 and Jerry Springer.
The most common worry expressed was the birthparents would change their minds and someday take our baby back. It simply doesn’t happen that way. The birthparents are counseled about their decision right up until they sign the relinquishment documents. Once that paperwork has been recorded at the state level (at least in California) the birthparents cannot change their minds.
We have an open adoption with our son’s birthmom (who I shall refer to as Ms. Birthmom for privacy purposes). We were matched and met her two weeks before Alex's birth. She's a funny, smart, and loving young woman in her mid-twenties who wanted the best for her baby, knew she was not ready to be a parent, and so she made an adoption plan for him. She looked at several couples and luckily chose us. We all ‘clicked’ at our first meeting, so Dave and I chose her right back.
Then in one moment our lives changed forever. Ms. Birthmom called us at 12:30 AM to inform us of her impending C-section at 9:00 AM. We drove six hours through the night and were there for our baby's birth. We met her entire family and feel like we didn’t just adopt our adorable son; we adopted a whole new family.
Our open adoption is about as open as you can get. Alex will always be able to ask Ms. Birthmom whenever any questions about his biological roots arise. We talk to Ms. Birthmom on the phone and send letters, pictures, and e-mail. We even got together with her and her family at Christmas when our boy was five months old and spent a wonderful afternoon together.
One of the most frustrating things we encounter in our attempts to educate people is the notion that our son is somehow not our ‘real’ child or that we are not his ‘real’ parents. He may not be our biological child, but we feel that he and no one else was destined to be our son. No one. Love is not limited to blood ties.
Adoption is a miracle. I’ve devised a simplified way of looking at it all. Adoption is basically two groups of complete strangers coming together and asking each other for the most enormous of favors. Adoptive parents say, “Hi, I want a baby and can’t have one. Could I have yours?” Meanwhile the birthparents are saying, “Hi, we’re pregnant and we aren’t in a position to be able to raise this child. Would you mind raising him/her for us?”
I’ve often said to Ms. Birthmom, “Thank you, you’ve given us such a tremendous gift.” To which she’s replied, “No, it’s you who’ve given me the gift.”
(Written in January 2005, when Alex was six months old.)
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OPEN ADOPTION SUCCESS STORY...THE SERIES This will be the first in a series of posts over the coming months chronicling our adventures with Ms. Birthmom and the rest of our "adopt in-laws" family as well as valuable adoption resources. Subscribe to this site via email or RSS Feed.
QUESTIONS/COMMENTS I'd love to hear your comments and stories! Leave a comment using the link below.
Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch
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