The Good Enough Witch

I am His Real Mommy : Open Adoption

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

By Rita Laws

Invariably, when I share the story of our family's formation through adoption, people comment, "Oh that's so terrific. But what about his real mother?'

My jaw clences and my shoulder tighten. I take a deep breath (or two) before saying, "I am Alex's real mother. You must be asking about Alex's birthmother."

Don't get me wrong, I adore Alex's birthmother. We have a wonderful open adoption relationship with her and her entire family. We visit with them several times each year, talk on the phone, send pictures, letters and email.

I remind myself that the vast majority of people's adoption education is a product of Lifetime movies and sensationalized news stories of adoptions gone bad.

HIS BIRTHMOTHER

Alex's birthmother carried him in her womb for nine months. Grew him from two single cells into a fully complex human being. She loved him first.

She also realized that as a 23-year old single woman she was not prepared to parent a child. After much excruciating self-examination, in her eighth month she decided to make an adoption plan for her unborn child.

She'll tell you point blank that she's no saint. Yes, her decision was based on wanting the best for her baby, but another part was motivated by selfishness. She wanted to get back to the life she was living before she found herself saddled (OK pun intended) with an unplanned pregnancy.

The only thing I didn't get to do was grow, give birth and love my son in the most secret intimate of ways. In every other way I am his real mother.

HIS MOMMY

I was the one who was up every few hours in the night. I changed the diapers. I've kissed all the boo-boos and applied Sponge Bob bandaids. I've been the one in the emergency room at four in the morning battling his first ear infection. I'm the one he calls for in the night. I'm the one who saw his first steps and taught him how to use The Force while playing Wii Lego Star Wars.

That was me. His real every day 24/7/365 mommy.

I give him time outs. I'm the one who tries to find the toothpaste that he'll tolerate without screaming his head off when we brush his teeth. I read and sing Snuggle Puppy in just the right way.

I am his real mommy. I am his parent.

IT TAKES TWO

Because our family was formed by adoption, Alex needs two different kinds of mothers to make one whole in his life. His birthmom plus his real mom (parent). It's a combination that has become completely normal in our lives.

I wanted to be a mother. I didn't care how I arrived at my destination. Throught the amazing miracle that is adoption I got what I selfishly wanted. To be someone's numero uno, a mother.

I believe there is no one in the universe meant to be my child except for my son Alex. If the only way I could have him as my son was by enduring unsuccessful infertility treatments and then experiencing open adoption, then so be it.

Adoption is often second choice, but it is not second best.

 

ADOPTION RESOURCES

Several of my favorite adoption resources are:

Adoptive Families Magazine

Ms. Birthmom's Weblog

PACT: An Adoption Alliance

Tapestry Books

I'd love to hear your stories about your journey toward parenthood. Feel free to share them with me via email or in the comments section below.

All the best -

More related adoption reading: Open Adoption Success Story,

Four Media Myths About Adoption & The Moment a Mother is Born

Growing Up Each Christmas...

As soon as my son Alex was born, I knew I needed to document every joyous moment in his life. And of course first on this list in our household was Christmas.

During my stint skipping down the infertility path to motherhood I had off and on been working on a cross-stitched stocking for my long awaited baby. I'd carefully selected the pattern...perfect for either a boy or girl. It was a snowman with a broom, coal eyes, patch-worked hat and scarf and two kittens (one orange and one grey...just like our cats at the time) perched on a snow drift looking up at Mr. Snow. I'd had to stop working on it for awhile, as I never knew when my baby would be here.

Finally, Alex was born in July 2004 and we adopted him a birth. As you've read before we have a wonderful open adoption relationship with his birthmom. And though I never cross-stitch during the summer months, I got out the Christmas stocking pointedly (pun intended!) declared my intent to finish it in time for his first Christmas.(Look for a pic on this Wordless Wednesday post.)

My other tradition I wanted to start was to have a special Christmas ornament to document Alex's adorableness each and every December. The first year I found a snow globe. Cute. The second, third and four years I managed to find decent photo ornaments, but nothing that wowed me. Then it happened!

Brilliance! Genius! Oh glorious Mommy commemorative rapture!

I found this gorgeous photo ornament Christmas tree at the store Things Remembered. (It's called the Heart to Heart photo tree.) The top ornament is engraved with Alex's name and birth date. There are 15 separate double sided charms. I'm thrilled out of my gourd!

The trick is...I only have five Christmas pictures of Alex at the moment. So I guess I'll just leave the black and white filler photos of the beautiful people in the rest of the charms until Alex gets older. I mean, why waste perfectly beautiful people like that?

Happy Mommy Memories -

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

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Ms. Birthmom's Weblog

Ever since the planets aligned and our little family was formed through adoption, I've been talking everyone's ear off about our side of the story.

But there is yet another side...our son Alex's birthmother, who I have referred to in my posts on adoption as Ms. Birthmom. You might have even seen her comment on some of the posts...she's fabulous in that way and many, many other ways too.

Ms. Birthmom is also a writer and quite the adoption advocate...you should see the two of us together at an adoption conference. People sort of freak out...in a good way.

At one conference several years ago, I was wearing a button that said:

I became a parent through adoption. Ask me how.

Ms. Birthmom decided she wanted a button that read:

I became a birthmom through adoption. Ask me how.

Well just think about it really... We started hooting and howling with laughter.

Tears were streaming down our faces.

And many, many people stared at us.

But I digress...

Ms. Birthmom has started her own blog chronicling her experience as both a birthmother and an adoptee. If you've never heard that side of the story you should check it out: www.msbirthmom.com.

Happy Blogging!

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

Related Posts:

Open Adoption Success Story

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The Moment a Mother is Born

The moment a child is born,

the mother is also born.

She never existed before.

The woman existed, but the mother, never.

A mother is something absolutely new.

- Rajneesh

Can somebody pass me a tissue?

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

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Adopted Child...A Definition

Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.

Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.

Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.

Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

- Rita Laws

 

 

I love my boy -

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

P. S. See other posts on this topic...

Open Adoption Success Story

Four Media Myths About Adoption

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Four Media Myths About Adoption

Adoptive Families magazine is a font of information for anyone looking to adopt and/or is parenting an adopted child. Their on-line archives feature countless articles topics such as:

• Educating Your Child's Teachers About Adoption

• Domestic vs. International Adoption (with links to specific countries)

• Adoption Issues at Every Age of Development

• Adopting via Foster Care

• And too many other topics for moi to list here!

Below is a summary of archived article exploring the realities of media myths that reinforce the misconceptions surrounding adoption:

MYTH #1 - ADOPTED CHILDREN ARE TROUBLEMAKERS

In a longitudinal study of 624 children, some from adoptive homes and some from biological homes, researchers found no worse a tendency toward criminality or alcohol abuse among adopted children than among biological children. If the media always mentioned when a criminal had red hair, the public might develop prejudices about redheads.

(GEW Note: I've noticed if a troubled celebrity is an adoptee the media is certain to mention that fact in its reporting. Think Nicole Richie before she became a mommy.)

MYTH #2 - ALL ADOPTEES HAVE TRAUMATIC BIRTH HISTORIES

Soap operas and made for TV movie are built on high drama that perpetuate this notion. Stories about the overwhelmingly positive aspects of adoption are apparently deemed not dramatic enough to attract viewers. Thus, the media perpetuates the view that there is something seamy and pitiful about adoption and its participants.

(GEW Note: I always say you'll never see our adoption story made into a TV movie. Everything went too well and we have a great open adoption relationship with Ms. Birthmom and her family. Not enough drama!)

MYTH #3 - ALL ADOPTEES SEARCH

A few vocal adoptees and members of the media have assumed that all adopted persons are deeply committed to searching. They say those who are not actively searching at any given time simply haven't started yet or have repressed the desire. While this may be true of some adoptees, it is not true of all.

(GEW Note: The article's author doesn't mention open adoption, but then again neither does the media very often. Back 30 years + closed domestic adoptions were the norm. Today the vast majority of domestic adoptions include some element of openess.) 

 

MYTH #4 - ADOPTED CHILDREN ARE OBTAINED ILLEGALLY

In reality, an average of 20 Americans per day adopt babies from overseas, often from developing nations, where poor parents see adoption as a way to give their children decent lives. Though most of these international adoptions are stringently managed and rigorously policed, an avalanche of stories of systematic abuse in a few places has cast a shadow over the entire process and its participants.

(GEW Note: Think Madonna's and Angelina Jolie' s adoption stories. And really, even with domestic adoptions, parents are sometimes asked, "How much did you pay for him?" As if we purchased our son at the corner grocery or something.)

 

RESPONDING TO THE MEDIA

Article author Beth M. Waggenspack assures us that we need not feel helpless about what we see in the media. You can express your opinions and she shares several constructive tips for doing just that.
Click here to view the source article: Four Media Myths About Adoption by Beth M. Waggenspack.

(GEW Note: I couldn't determine the precise date the original article was written, so some of the exact facts will be a tad out of date, but the underlying issues the article addresses do endure.)

 

"Just saying NO" to funky made for TV movies -

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

P.S. Related posts on this topic: Open Adoption Success Story

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Open Adoption Success Story

Alex's Birth

 

The nurse poked her head into the pastel waiting room at MV Hospital, “Are you with the young lady having a C-section? Yes? Well I just heard a very healthy cry from that delivery room.” I sat stunned and completely overwhelmed, my son Alex had just been born.

 

 

When we first began trying to get pregnant, my husband Dave and I talked about the possibility of adopting should nature fail to take its course. In the beginning, we didn’t believe we would require this parental contingency plan. However, the next four years were an emotional and physical roller coaster of basal temperatures, ovulation predictor kits, blood tests, sperm counts, miscarriages, Clomid and intrauterine insemination.

 

During our final try with our infertility specialist for a ‘high tech’ baby, Dave and I had a heavy, deep and real talk about parenting. We had all our financial and personal ducks in a row, but no duckling. What was important to us was becoming parents and raising a happy and healthy child. How we formed our family was not the main concern. We decided to adopt.

 

Our first challenge in the process was to confront many of the common myths of adoption. We began reading and talking to people. Once we became educated we immediately felt wildly protective of our unknown child. I was adamant our baby never feel like some sub-human, unloved, unwanted person simply by virtue of being adopted. I was going to educate the world, or at least all our family and friends. I would blast every adoption myth and fear. I became “Adoption Woman.”

 

One in four families in the United States has been touched by adoption. Once Dave and I began to tell people of our adoption plans, we found ourselves very happily bombarded with the enormity of the adoption community. People we had both known for years were saying things like,

 

“Oh, I’m adopted.”

 

“My cousin is adopted.”

 

“Our children are both adopted.”

 

 

Adoption was suddenly everywhere we turned.

 

Once we announced to our loved ones that we were adopting, their enthusiasm was quickly followed by fear. I blame this on the media and lack of accurate information floating about. The public has been exposed to too many Lifetime movies and overly dramatized news stories on 20/20 and Jerry Springer.

 

The most common worry expressed was the birthparents would change their minds and someday take our baby back. It simply doesn’t happen that way. The birthparents are counseled about their decision right up until they sign the relinquishment documents. Once that paperwork has been recorded at the state level (at least in California) the birthparents cannot change their minds.

 

We have an open adoption with our son’s birthmom (who I shall refer to as Ms. Birthmom for privacy purposes). We were matched and met her two weeks before Alex's birth. She's a funny, smart, and loving young woman in her mid-twenties who wanted the best for her baby, knew she was not ready to be a parent, and so she made an adoption plan for him. She looked at several couples and luckily chose us. We all ‘clicked’ at our first meeting, so Dave and I chose her right back.

 

Then in one moment our lives changed forever. Ms. Birthmom called us at 12:30 AM to inform us of her impending C-section at 9:00 AM. We drove six hours through the night and were there for our baby's birth. We met her entire family and feel like we didn’t just adopt our adorable son; we adopted a whole new family.

 

Our open adoption is about as open as you can get. Alex will always be able to ask Ms. Birthmom whenever any questions about his biological roots arise. We talk to Ms. Birthmom on the phone and send letters, pictures, and e-mail. We even got together with her and her family at Christmas when our boy was five months old and spent a wonderful afternoon together.

 

One of the most frustrating things we encounter in our attempts to educate people is the notion that our son is somehow not our ‘real’ child or that we are not his ‘real’ parents. He may not be our biological child, but we feel that he and no one else was destined to be our son. No one. Love is not limited to blood ties.

 

Adoption is a miracle. I’ve devised a simplified way of looking at it all. Adoption is basically two groups of complete strangers coming together and asking each other for the most enormous of favors. Adoptive parents say, “Hi, I want a baby and can’t have one. Could I have yours?” Meanwhile the birthparents are saying, “Hi, we’re pregnant and we aren’t in a position to be able to raise this child. Would you mind raising him/her for us?”

I’ve often said to Ms. Birthmom, “Thank you, you’ve given us such a tremendous gift.” To which she’s replied, “No, it’s you who’ve given me the gift.”

(Written in January 2005, when Alex was six months old.)

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OPEN ADOPTION SUCCESS STORY...THE SERIES    This will be the first in a series of posts over the coming months chronicling our adventures with Ms. Birthmom and the rest of our "adopt in-laws" family as well as valuable adoption resources. Subscribe to this site via email or RSS Feed.

QUESTIONS/COMMENTS   I'd love to hear your comments and stories! Leave a comment using the link below.

Cynthia - The Good Enough Witch

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RELATED POSTS:

Four Media Myths About Adoption

Adopted Child...A Definition 

The Moment a Mother Is Born

No Kisses, Only Hugs

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